1 00:00:05,060 --> 00:00:08,270 "Selina Meyer didn't just shatter the glass ceiling," 2 00:00:08,320 --> 00:00:10,320 she swept up every single shard 3 00:00:10,360 --> 00:00:12,190 so that my daughter and your daughters 4 00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:14,360 "will never even know it existed." 5 00:00:14,450 --> 00:00:18,410 Aw! - Well, that just tickles my twat! 6 00:00:18,450 --> 00:00:20,450 Gosh, Montez is actually gonna say that 7 00:00:20,500 --> 00:00:22,500 at my portrait unveiling in English? 8 00:00:22,540 --> 00:00:25,750 Yeah, in front of 200 of Washington's most important people. 9 00:00:25,790 --> 00:00:29,040 - And Mike. - See, Mike? That is good writing. 10 00:00:29,090 --> 00:00:31,420 - Why can't you write like that? - I'm the first to admit 11 00:00:31,470 --> 00:00:33,800 I'm not the world's greatest speech writer. 12 00:00:33,840 --> 00:00:35,713 Ma'am, the White House wants us to finalize your guest list 13 00:00:35,720 --> 00:00:38,470 by the day after... yesterday. 14 00:00:38,510 --> 00:00:41,810 - So, today. That's a bit of a brain twister. - It's a hot ticket. 15 00:00:41,850 --> 00:00:43,140 What about Congressman Jonah Ryan? 16 00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:51,020 Richard, you have such a good sense of humor. 17 00:00:51,070 --> 00:00:53,150 - Amy, you should take a cue from him, really. Ma'am? 18 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:55,360 - Yes. Oh! - Greg Morehouse is here for our meeting. 19 00:00:55,410 --> 00:00:56,653 - He's your editor. - I know that. 20 00:00:56,660 --> 00:00:58,240 Hey, Greg! 21 00:00:58,280 --> 00:01:00,830 Can we get you some coffee or some tea or...? 22 00:01:00,870 --> 00:01:03,750 - Do you have some bai hao white tip? - I do! 23 00:01:03,790 --> 00:01:06,000 Oh, well, there you go. 24 00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:09,580 So, what did you think of the manuscript? 25 00:01:09,630 --> 00:01:12,590 - It's rough, of course, but... - I think it's really interesting. 26 00:01:12,630 --> 00:01:14,880 - Oh, I'm so happy! - The dad and the horse. 27 00:01:14,930 --> 00:01:16,800 I know, right? Well... 28 00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:18,379 - There's just one little thing. - Sure. 29 00:01:18,390 --> 00:01:21,100 We do need a bit more of the presidency in there. 30 00:01:21,140 --> 00:01:23,850 I mean, the book ends with you going off to college. 31 00:01:23,890 --> 00:01:26,600 That's right, yes, and the presidential stuff 32 00:01:26,650 --> 00:01:29,520 will be in volume two... "Meyer Ascendant." 33 00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:31,860 - And three... "The Meyer Year." - Yes. 34 00:01:31,900 --> 00:01:34,480 I get that, and if you wanna stick with this book as is, 35 00:01:34,530 --> 00:01:36,110 I completely understand. 36 00:01:36,150 --> 00:01:37,860 We're just gonna need our advance back. 37 00:01:37,910 --> 00:01:39,950 - There was an advance? - Quiet, quiet. 38 00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:47,160 And Moses led his people to the land of...? 39 00:01:47,210 --> 00:01:49,120 - Hanukkah. - Canaan, Rabbi. 40 00:01:49,170 --> 00:01:52,460 Shut up, Nikhil. This stupid hat is too small for my head. 41 00:01:52,500 --> 00:01:55,710 - Yarmulke. - Fine, this stupid hat is too small for my yarmulke. 42 00:01:55,760 --> 00:01:57,970 It's okay, Jonah. Conversion to Judaism 43 00:01:58,010 --> 00:02:00,390 is about a commitment to the Jewish lifestyle. 44 00:02:00,430 --> 00:02:02,890 Oh, good, 'cause all this learning is giving me a yarmulke ache. 45 00:02:02,930 --> 00:02:06,020 Just to remind everybody that next week, 46 00:02:06,060 --> 00:02:08,060 we'll be rededicating the sanctuary. 47 00:02:08,100 --> 00:02:10,690 Sorry, I have to go to the White House. President Meyer's unveiling. 48 00:02:10,730 --> 00:02:13,020 - Okay. - The final invitation list went out, 49 00:02:13,070 --> 00:02:13,940 and you're not on it. 50 00:02:13,980 --> 00:02:15,900 Oh, Jesus Christ! 51 00:02:15,940 --> 00:02:18,325 I'm sorry, I can say that now and still get into heaven, right? 52 00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:20,610 Actually, Jonah, Jews don't believe in heaven. 53 00:02:20,660 --> 00:02:23,070 Shut the fuck up, Nikhil! 54 00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:25,240 Wait, Shawnee, how am I gonna see my dog again? 55 00:02:25,290 --> 00:02:27,700 Is there, like, a Jew place for dogs? 56 00:02:27,750 --> 00:02:31,080 All right, Mike, we got 30 days to write a new draft. 57 00:02:31,130 --> 00:02:32,960 Get out that diary, pick a day, and let's go. 58 00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:36,170 - June 14th. Ooh, chock full. - Oh, goody! Great. Go. 59 00:02:36,210 --> 00:02:37,670 Briefing on infrastructure bill, 60 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:39,720 clutch with Wichita notary group, 61 00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:43,010 review on legislative conference regarding pharmaceutical labeling. 62 00:02:43,050 --> 00:02:45,050 We're fucked. 63 00:02:45,100 --> 00:02:47,270 I don't even remember any of that. 64 00:02:47,310 --> 00:02:49,763 - Some things are so dull, you have to block them out. - No kidding. 65 00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:52,440 I mean, I'm sure that I played with Catherine when she was a child... 66 00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:55,440 - - ...but for the life of me, I can't remember one second. 67 00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:57,480 - Oh, and there she is. - Hey! 68 00:02:57,530 --> 00:03:00,190 Mom, we had a great wellness check at the doctor's today. 69 00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:02,660 - So, is it a boy, is it a girl? - Oh, right. 70 00:03:02,700 --> 00:03:04,370 It's a baby. 71 00:03:04,410 --> 00:03:05,580 - No. - Mm-mm. 72 00:03:05,620 --> 00:03:06,660 We're not doing that. 73 00:03:06,700 --> 00:03:08,370 No, Mom, we don't wanna know. 74 00:03:08,410 --> 00:03:11,370 Catherine, you are not going to be coy or twee 75 00:03:11,420 --> 00:03:13,170 about the sex of my grandchild. 76 00:03:13,210 --> 00:03:15,590 This is a human being you're making, 77 00:03:15,630 --> 00:03:19,340 not some Brooklyn-based, artisanal chocolate bar. 78 00:03:19,380 --> 00:03:21,420 Birth gender isn't even that relevant. 79 00:03:21,470 --> 00:03:24,390 She/he will decide her/his ideal gender when she/he is/are ready. 80 00:03:24,430 --> 00:03:26,430 Okay, is that how we're talking now, Marjorie, 81 00:03:26,470 --> 00:03:29,140 like some sort of bi-curious Porky Pig? 82 00:03:29,180 --> 00:03:31,560 I'm not doing that. 83 00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:34,020 I had an aunt who transitioned twice. 84 00:03:34,060 --> 00:03:37,270 She was trapped inside a man, and then that man was trapped inside of another woman. 85 00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:38,570 - Oh, like a turducken. - Mm-hmm. 86 00:03:38,610 --> 00:03:39,940 Mom, it's not that big of a deal. 87 00:03:39,990 --> 00:03:41,950 We have baby names picked out either way. 88 00:03:41,990 --> 00:03:43,700 Yes, Leslie or Dana if it's a boy and... 89 00:03:43,740 --> 00:03:45,780 And for a girl we like Linus. 90 00:03:45,830 --> 00:03:47,073 - Seriously? - That feels like child abuse. 91 00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:48,870 Yes. Okay, I can't. 92 00:03:48,910 --> 00:03:50,290 Can you just go away, Catherine? 93 00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:52,330 That's fine. We're late anyway. 94 00:03:52,370 --> 00:03:54,420 Richard has doula class and we're bringing the snacks. 95 00:03:54,460 --> 00:03:57,130 - What? - It'll be my first human birth, so. 96 00:03:57,170 --> 00:03:58,960 - What is happening? - What is happening? 97 00:03:59,010 --> 00:04:00,760 - It just... - Gender is simple! 98 00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:02,800 - Right. - You're a girl, I'm a boy. 99 00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:05,390 Well. Hey, what about some of that lezzy stuff? 100 00:04:05,430 --> 00:04:07,050 You think that would spice up the book? 101 00:04:07,100 --> 00:04:09,680 Catherine's forbidden affair with your Secret Service agent. 102 00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:13,480 Yeah, but, I mean, does anybody really give a shit about two average-looking lesbians? 103 00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:15,230 - I don't mind them. - Ugh. 104 00:04:15,270 --> 00:04:17,690 I'll tell you one thing people would flip out about. 105 00:04:17,730 --> 00:04:18,610 Hmm? 106 00:04:19,990 --> 00:04:22,280 A book about my sex life. 107 00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:24,900 Seriously. I mean, obviously, we can't do that. 108 00:04:24,950 --> 00:04:28,030 - Yeah, you can't do that. - Really? Why can't we? 109 00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:32,120 - You can do that. - I mean, that book would fly off the shelves. 110 00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:35,040 - Fly. - People would pay whatever it is a book costs, you know? 111 00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:37,540 And everybody knows that I dated Charlie Baird. 112 00:04:37,590 --> 00:04:39,170 Aw, Charlie. 113 00:04:39,210 --> 00:04:40,833 But there's somebody else that I slept with. 114 00:04:40,840 --> 00:04:43,210 Somebody that I worked with closely. 115 00:04:43,260 --> 00:04:46,590 All due respect, ma'am, we all knew you were, uh... 116 00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:48,850 ...with Kent. Kent?! 117 00:04:48,890 --> 00:04:50,430 My snatch isn't a data port! 118 00:04:50,470 --> 00:04:51,930 What are you talking about? 119 00:04:51,980 --> 00:04:53,980 I slept with Tom James! 120 00:04:54,020 --> 00:04:56,230 - Whoa! - No! 121 00:04:56,270 --> 00:04:58,190 In the white-hot White House. 122 00:04:58,230 --> 00:05:00,020 In the Oval with your running mate?! 123 00:05:00,070 --> 00:05:02,980 - On a couch. - Ma'am, we have a best-seller! 124 00:05:03,030 --> 00:05:05,950 I mean, it was the Green Room, but. 125 00:05:05,990 --> 00:05:09,530 - What? How do you know that? - You... you said it was at the Congressional Ball. 126 00:05:09,580 --> 00:05:11,200 - Oh, did I say that? - I think so. 127 00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:13,490 - Did I? - Ma'am, we got gold. Gold! 128 00:05:13,540 --> 00:05:15,580 Do you think I should give him a call? 129 00:05:15,620 --> 00:05:17,033 - That's a classy move. - Yeah, I'll get his number. 130 00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:19,210 Or I could go and I could see him in person. 131 00:05:19,250 --> 00:05:21,123 - No, no, no, no, no, no. - You want me to go with? I can take notes. 132 00:05:21,130 --> 00:05:23,250 - Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. - No. Mm-mm. 133 00:05:23,300 --> 00:05:26,170 - It's the new - "CBS This Morning." 134 00:05:26,220 --> 00:05:28,300 Welcome to the new "CBS This Morning." 135 00:05:28,340 --> 00:05:30,390 - I'm Dan Egan. - And I'm Brie Ramachandran. 136 00:05:30,430 --> 00:05:32,470 Jane McCabe is on special assignment. 137 00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:34,173 We start our day in the state of New Hampshire 138 00:05:34,180 --> 00:05:36,430 where Hurricane Chloe has taken a turn for the deadly. 139 00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:37,730 So boring. 140 00:05:37,770 --> 00:05:39,350 God, how can anybody jerk off to her 141 00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:40,690 with him sitting right there? 142 00:05:40,730 --> 00:05:42,480 I'm sure you'll find a way, Congressman. 143 00:05:42,530 --> 00:05:45,610 The Ethics Committee is debating ending its probe 144 00:05:45,650 --> 00:05:48,110 into Representative Lawler's Nantucket trip. 145 00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:50,450 You will vote yes despite the strong evidence 146 00:05:50,490 --> 00:05:52,780 of cocaine use and reckless boating. 147 00:05:52,830 --> 00:05:54,660 - That guy knows how to party. - Then Tuesday, 148 00:05:54,700 --> 00:05:57,250 you have the White House meeting on raising the debt ceiling. 149 00:05:57,290 --> 00:05:59,413 Unless they try to kick it down the road for a couple of months 150 00:05:59,420 --> 00:06:01,290 and hope we get hit by an asteroid. 151 00:06:01,340 --> 00:06:02,960 Are you listening to anything we're saying? 152 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:06,260 Yeah! Cocaine, boating, asteroids, whatever! 153 00:06:06,300 --> 00:06:08,550 Did you guys get invited to this unveiling thing? 154 00:06:08,590 --> 00:06:11,180 - Naturally. - How come you guys got invited and I didn't? 155 00:06:11,220 --> 00:06:12,303 Because we worked for the president 156 00:06:12,310 --> 00:06:14,260 and didn't cost her the presidency. 157 00:06:14,310 --> 00:06:16,470 And because we don't look like Herman Munster's brother 158 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:18,890 who liked to molest that pudgy werewolf kid. 159 00:06:18,940 --> 00:06:22,610 Charlie, also played by Fred Gwynne. Season one, episode nine. 160 00:06:22,650 --> 00:06:24,110 Kent, can I have your plus-one? 161 00:06:24,150 --> 00:06:25,900 No, I'm bringing my jai alai instructor. 162 00:06:25,940 --> 00:06:28,360 - Female. - Ish. 163 00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:30,063 - What about your plus-one? - I work for you, I don't date you. 164 00:06:30,070 --> 00:06:31,700 Maybe I'm gonna go hire some women, 165 00:06:31,740 --> 00:06:34,780 and I'm gonna make them date me. 166 00:06:34,830 --> 00:06:38,580 And tomorrow, a sex offender registry for dogs. 167 00:06:38,620 --> 00:06:40,290 - It's about time. - Mm-hmm. 168 00:06:40,330 --> 00:06:42,500 Until then, I'm Brie Ramachandran. 169 00:06:42,540 --> 00:06:44,670 And I'm Dan Egan, bringing you your morning 170 00:06:44,710 --> 00:06:48,300 every morning of every day for many mornings to come. 171 00:06:48,340 --> 00:06:50,970 And we are clear. Great show, people! 172 00:06:51,010 --> 00:06:52,293 What'd you think of that new sign-off? 173 00:06:52,300 --> 00:06:53,253 You sound like a Scientologist. 174 00:06:53,260 --> 00:06:55,100 - Really? - Kind of. 175 00:06:55,140 --> 00:06:56,633 Can I talk to you for a second... actually, both of you, in here? 176 00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:58,310 - Yeah. - So, we got the results back 177 00:06:58,350 --> 00:07:00,600 from the first testing of the new host pairing. 178 00:07:00,650 --> 00:07:03,150 - Oh, good! - And something interesting jumps out from the data, 179 00:07:03,190 --> 00:07:06,610 which is people say that you two don't have any chemistry, 180 00:07:06,650 --> 00:07:09,690 which is their words, not mine, but also mine. 181 00:07:09,740 --> 00:07:11,820 I've never not had chemistry with a woman. 182 00:07:11,870 --> 00:07:13,950 People like the energy that you and Jane had. 183 00:07:13,990 --> 00:07:16,080 It was this raw, sexual vibe because you two were... 184 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,040 Jesus, we were not fucking! 185 00:07:18,080 --> 00:07:20,033 Okay, going down on each other, whatever. I don't wanna know! 186 00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:23,580 - Oh, my God! - The point is people find you two cold together. 187 00:07:23,630 --> 00:07:27,710 - But I... I'm actually fucking her. - Dan! 188 00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:29,800 - Aren't you engaged to a Yankee? - Yeah, I am. 189 00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:32,630 - That's why I told you not to tell anybody. - Aw, that's sweet. 190 00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:35,890 Look, Dan, Brie, you two don't have to make up this crazy story 191 00:07:35,930 --> 00:07:38,220 - about you two fucking. - We're not making this up, okay? 192 00:07:38,270 --> 00:07:40,310 - We are fucking! - Like, a lot. 193 00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:41,933 Maybe you two should fuck differently, then. I don't know. 194 00:07:41,940 --> 00:07:43,210 That's where I draw the line, man. 195 00:07:43,230 --> 00:07:44,690 I don't take notes on how I fuck. 196 00:07:44,730 --> 00:07:46,440 I, however... I am willing to do anything, 197 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:49,480 because I cannot lose this job, not before my wedding! 198 00:07:49,530 --> 00:07:52,030 Um, also... just a little thing here... 199 00:07:52,070 --> 00:07:53,360 people don't like you in yellow. 200 00:07:53,410 --> 00:07:55,620 - Okay. - See? Told you. 201 00:07:55,660 --> 00:07:57,740 Jesus Christ, Tom. 202 00:07:57,790 --> 00:07:59,660 - What is this? - This is just temporary. 203 00:07:59,700 --> 00:08:01,540 We're moving into the big office next month. 204 00:08:01,580 --> 00:08:04,250 - Oh, good, yeah. - I was feeling cramped. 205 00:08:04,290 --> 00:08:07,380 - My goodness, look at you. You keeping busy? - I am. 206 00:08:07,420 --> 00:08:08,703 Yeah, I made a deal to write a book, 207 00:08:08,710 --> 00:08:10,050 as a matter of fact. 208 00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:12,760 Well, that's funny because I did, too. 209 00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:15,640 Yes, I wrote a blurb for your upcoming tome. 210 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:17,510 - Of course you did. - Sight unseen. 211 00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:18,970 Yeah, what is... the title is 212 00:08:19,020 --> 00:08:21,720 - "Investing with a Conscience"? - "Conscience," yes. 213 00:08:21,770 --> 00:08:23,730 So, it's sci-fi? 214 00:08:23,770 --> 00:08:26,520 - Just trying to keep the lights on. 215 00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:27,723 Well, the book that I'm writing, 216 00:08:27,730 --> 00:08:29,360 I wanted to give you a heads-up 217 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:32,280 'cause I was toying with the notion of... 218 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:34,280 of perhaps mentioning our... 219 00:08:35,450 --> 00:08:37,030 our little encounter. 220 00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:39,160 Selina, there's... I'm sorry to interrupt. 221 00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:40,323 - No, that's all right. - There's something I wanted to say. 222 00:08:40,330 --> 00:08:41,740 You know, you did me the honor 223 00:08:41,790 --> 00:08:44,000 of choosing me as your running mate... 224 00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:46,670 - Mm-hmm. - ...and I repaid that honor with betrayal. 225 00:08:48,170 --> 00:08:49,250 Yeah. 226 00:08:49,300 --> 00:08:51,670 I guess my ego allowed me 227 00:08:51,710 --> 00:08:53,920 to believe that folksy, old Tom James 228 00:08:53,970 --> 00:08:55,720 was above all that beltway horseshit. 229 00:08:55,760 --> 00:09:00,010 And in the end, I just turned out to be another blue bottle fly 230 00:09:00,060 --> 00:09:03,850 feeding on a heaping mouthful of Seabiscuit's finest. 231 00:09:05,140 --> 00:09:06,690 Wow! 232 00:09:06,730 --> 00:09:09,270 I didn't come here to ask for an apology, 233 00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:11,980 - but I certainly appreciate getting one from you. - You deserve it. 234 00:09:12,030 --> 00:09:14,400 If it makes you feel any better, 235 00:09:14,450 --> 00:09:17,403 if I was in your shoes, I probably would've tried to steal the presidency, too. 236 00:09:17,410 --> 00:09:19,950 Well, that's what made the two of us such a beatable combination. 237 00:09:19,990 --> 00:09:21,990 Yeah. 238 00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:24,830 Selina, I beg you, please don't do this. 239 00:09:24,870 --> 00:09:27,870 - Oh. - I have a new life, I have a new wife. 240 00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:31,130 And we are expecting our first child. 241 00:09:31,170 --> 00:09:32,500 - Congratulations. - Thank you. 242 00:09:32,550 --> 00:09:34,340 She would be dialing a divorce lawyer 243 00:09:34,380 --> 00:09:36,373 if she ever thought that you and I had swapped more than, 244 00:09:36,380 --> 00:09:38,050 you know, appreciative memos. 245 00:09:38,140 --> 00:09:40,140 - You understand that? - I do. 246 00:09:40,180 --> 00:09:41,800 Well, I guess 247 00:09:41,970 --> 00:09:46,770 I will have to think outside my box. 248 00:09:48,560 --> 00:09:49,400 Right. 249 00:09:50,900 --> 00:09:53,690 Oh, my God, why did I have to fuck 250 00:09:53,740 --> 00:09:56,320 the last remaining gentleman in Washington? 251 00:09:56,360 --> 00:09:58,860 - God! - Who said that? Was that Dolley Madison? 252 00:09:58,910 --> 00:10:00,820 It was James Madison. 253 00:10:00,870 --> 00:10:03,370 - Okay, Mike, get up. - So, how'd it go? 254 00:10:03,410 --> 00:10:06,580 Well, he just begged me not to put it in. 255 00:10:06,620 --> 00:10:08,000 So, none of it goes in the book? 256 00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:09,960 - No, it all goes in. - Good. 257 00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:12,880 With regards to the debt ceiling, 258 00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:15,500 I think we can all agree that none of us wants to play politics 259 00:10:15,550 --> 00:10:18,380 with the full faith and credit of the United States. 260 00:10:18,430 --> 00:10:20,010 I brought you here... 261 00:10:20,050 --> 00:10:21,970 Hey, did you get invited to the Meyer unveiling? 262 00:10:22,010 --> 00:10:24,390 Everyone was unless you're a mole person 263 00:10:24,430 --> 00:10:26,140 who was cast out of his underground society 264 00:10:26,180 --> 00:10:27,890 for keistering sewer rats. 265 00:10:27,940 --> 00:10:30,140 - I wasn't invited. - I know. 266 00:10:30,190 --> 00:10:32,020 - Roger. - Madam President, 267 00:10:32,070 --> 00:10:34,570 my extremist colleagues on the other side of the aisle 268 00:10:34,610 --> 00:10:37,150 have launched a full-fledged and savage attack 269 00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,900 against the poor and disadvantaged of this country. 270 00:10:39,950 --> 00:10:44,080 You are addicted to spending like the proverbial drunken sailor. 271 00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:46,080 Okay, that part's done. 272 00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:47,863 I can give you a freeze on the rate of increase 273 00:10:47,870 --> 00:10:51,750 on AFDC and all the Head Start cuts, but no dice on Medicare. 274 00:10:51,790 --> 00:10:52,953 - I can live with that. - All right, gentlemen, 275 00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:54,960 let's get this passed tomorrow. 276 00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:58,050 Uh, excuse me, Ms. Caruso, due to some oversight, 277 00:10:58,090 --> 00:11:00,880 I did not receive my invite to the unveiling ceremony. 278 00:11:00,930 --> 00:11:03,640 I suggest you ask someone from President Meyer's team. 279 00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:05,713 - Candi, are you all right? - Of course she's all right. 280 00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:07,810 Why are women always checking in on one another 281 00:11:07,850 --> 00:11:09,430 when I am talking to them? 282 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:11,270 Ma'am, I would appreciate it very much 283 00:11:11,310 --> 00:11:13,560 if I could have an invite to the unveiling thing. 284 00:11:13,610 --> 00:11:15,440 That is President Meyer's invitation list. 285 00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:18,150 It is her fiesta, as you would say. 286 00:11:18,190 --> 00:11:21,860 Well, it's your casa white-o, as you would say. 287 00:11:21,910 --> 00:11:25,240 - Madam President, are you all right? - Oh, for God's sakes. 288 00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:26,819 You haven't heard the last of Jonah Ryan. 289 00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:29,830 Okay, Jeffersons, sit down. 290 00:11:29,870 --> 00:11:31,830 The Black Caucus gets this room back in 20 minutes. 291 00:11:31,870 --> 00:11:33,330 I do not wanna piss those guys off. 292 00:11:33,380 --> 00:11:35,000 Oh, we were talking about the name, 293 00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:38,170 and Cherry Tree Choppers sounds a lot more legitimate. 294 00:11:38,210 --> 00:11:40,090 No! We already picked a name. 295 00:11:40,130 --> 00:11:42,380 We're the Jeffersons, period. 296 00:11:42,430 --> 00:11:45,300 - How about the Rough Riders? - Oh, fuck, that's good! 297 00:11:45,350 --> 00:11:48,260 No, we're already known as the Jeffersons, okay? 298 00:11:48,310 --> 00:11:50,470 And right now, we need to do something, 299 00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:54,560 something big that makes Montez really pay attention to us. 300 00:11:54,610 --> 00:11:57,060 - Mm-hmm. - Something like ending Daylight Savings Time. 301 00:11:57,110 --> 00:11:59,400 - Yes. - Something like ending government waste. 302 00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:01,490 - Yeah. - Cutting aid to Israel! 303 00:12:01,530 --> 00:12:03,950 Whoa, no! We're not gonna do that. Are you crazy? 304 00:12:03,990 --> 00:12:05,870 - Cutting aid to veterans. - Great! 305 00:12:05,910 --> 00:12:07,950 - They volunteered, right? - Yeah, yeah. 306 00:12:07,990 --> 00:12:09,620 We're gonna do all these things, 307 00:12:09,660 --> 00:12:11,870 and we're gonna get invited to that unveiling. 308 00:12:11,910 --> 00:12:14,420 - Who's with me? Yeah! - Yeah! 309 00:12:14,460 --> 00:12:17,500 - Yeah! - Wait, you weren't invited? 310 00:12:17,550 --> 00:12:19,090 - No. Were you? - Yeah. 311 00:12:19,130 --> 00:12:20,800 Oh, for Christ's sake. 312 00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:25,890 Why do you keep saying Tom James and I made love? 313 00:12:25,930 --> 00:12:27,760 Are you a 15-year-old girl? 314 00:12:27,810 --> 00:12:29,890 - No. - Richard! 315 00:12:29,930 --> 00:12:32,183 - Yes, ma'am? - I want you to get my editor on the phone, okay? 316 00:12:32,190 --> 00:12:35,020 No, see, you gotta find a different word than "screwed." 317 00:12:35,060 --> 00:12:37,480 It's just hard to come up with so many different ways to curse. 318 00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:40,520 Please hold for President Meyer. I've got Greg Morehouse for you, ma'am. 319 00:12:40,570 --> 00:12:42,820 Greg? Hello! 320 00:12:42,860 --> 00:12:46,320 Okay, so I have got a White House book 321 00:12:46,370 --> 00:12:49,580 that is hotter than Nancy Reagan's guide to cocksucking. 322 00:12:49,620 --> 00:12:50,870 I kid you not. 323 00:12:50,910 --> 00:12:52,290 You are gonna be so pleased! 324 00:12:52,330 --> 00:12:53,330 I... what? 325 00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:57,170 Oh, right. 326 00:12:57,210 --> 00:12:59,290 Richard, go and turn on CBS right now. 327 00:12:59,340 --> 00:13:00,840 I'll call you back. 328 00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:03,710 - Hey, Tom James is on TV. - He looks good. 329 00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:06,840 That's the reason I've always said that Selina Meyer's political acumen 330 00:13:06,890 --> 00:13:08,590 is sharp as any you'll find in Washington. 331 00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:10,390 What's wrong with that? My goodness. 332 00:13:10,430 --> 00:13:13,970 Even so, I did not expect to find myself on a couch 333 00:13:14,020 --> 00:13:16,730 in the Green Room at the White House, um... 334 00:13:16,770 --> 00:13:19,020 Having sex with President Selina Meyer. 335 00:13:19,070 --> 00:13:21,150 - Right. - Oh, my. 336 00:13:21,190 --> 00:13:23,183 Tom James, who is telling us about the explosive revelations 337 00:13:23,190 --> 00:13:25,530 in his book "Investing with a Conscience," 338 00:13:25,570 --> 00:13:27,570 excerpted in this month's "Vanity Fair." 339 00:13:27,620 --> 00:13:30,660 "Vanity Fair?" Mike, how did we not know about this? 340 00:13:30,700 --> 00:13:32,490 They called me a couple months ago 341 00:13:32,540 --> 00:13:34,533 and I thought they were trying to get me to renew my prescription. 342 00:13:34,540 --> 00:13:37,460 - Subscription! I had always looked up to President Meyer 343 00:13:37,500 --> 00:13:39,080 as something of a mentor. 344 00:13:39,130 --> 00:13:40,880 She's a year older than me. 345 00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:43,670 Okay, that is a fucking lie! 346 00:13:43,710 --> 00:13:45,420 I mean, where's the follow-up question? 347 00:13:45,470 --> 00:13:47,090 - This is disinformation! - Yeah! 348 00:13:47,130 --> 00:13:51,050 Now, Senator, was President Meyer the aggressor? 349 00:13:51,100 --> 00:13:52,680 Your word, not mine. 350 00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:54,310 - But again, yes. - Mm-hmm. 351 00:13:54,350 --> 00:13:55,930 I didn't rape him! 352 00:13:55,980 --> 00:13:57,690 He wishes! 353 00:13:57,730 --> 00:14:00,230 Ma'am, I think he's talking about you! 354 00:14:00,270 --> 00:14:03,070 - My guest has been - Tom James. 355 00:14:03,110 --> 00:14:04,900 The book is "Investing with a Conscience." 356 00:14:04,940 --> 00:14:07,900 I can't believe I said that steaming turd of a book 357 00:14:07,950 --> 00:14:09,570 was a refreshing take on Wall Street 358 00:14:09,620 --> 00:14:11,700 aimed at your conscience and your funny bone. 359 00:14:11,740 --> 00:14:14,330 - Hey, you used my blurb! - Oh, quiet up, Mike. 360 00:14:17,370 --> 00:14:18,960 Gary, call the White House 361 00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:22,330 and tell them to cancel that stupid portrait thing, 362 00:14:22,380 --> 00:14:24,130 'cause I don't wanna go. 363 00:14:24,170 --> 00:14:25,623 What are you talking about? You have to go. 364 00:14:25,630 --> 00:14:27,340 I just can't take this, you know? 365 00:14:27,380 --> 00:14:28,720 I've taken the rest of it. 366 00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:30,510 I took the election loss, 367 00:14:30,550 --> 00:14:32,760 I took Andrew's infidelity, 368 00:14:32,810 --> 00:14:35,930 - Catherine's Catherine-ness, okay? - Mm-hmm. 369 00:14:35,980 --> 00:14:38,930 But this I cannot take. 370 00:14:38,980 --> 00:14:41,940 Listen to me, Tom is a weak man. 371 00:14:41,980 --> 00:14:43,650 It wasn't even that good, I gotta tell you. 372 00:14:43,690 --> 00:14:45,820 Oh, please give me the permission 373 00:14:45,860 --> 00:14:47,690 to tell that to his face tomorrow. 374 00:14:47,740 --> 00:14:49,280 - Please, I beg you. - Oh, my God, right. 375 00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:51,280 I forgot Tom is gonna be there. 376 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:54,280 This is like Black History Month. 377 00:14:54,330 --> 00:14:56,040 It never fucking ends! 378 00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:57,200 Do you want me to 69 him? 379 00:14:59,790 --> 00:15:01,960 - Oh, 86. - Yeah. 380 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:04,170 No, because then it just becomes this thing. 381 00:15:04,210 --> 00:15:06,043 Okay, what about the speech? What about the speech, all right? 382 00:15:06,050 --> 00:15:10,420 President Montez is giving that amazing speech about you. 383 00:15:10,470 --> 00:15:13,550 And I asked them to use the Jackie Kennedy crystal service. 384 00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:15,970 - Really? - Yep. 385 00:15:16,020 --> 00:15:17,600 Nobody since Jackie 386 00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:19,560 has given as much for their country as you. 387 00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:21,020 That is true. 388 00:15:21,060 --> 00:15:23,020 If Jackie Kennedy can go through the day 389 00:15:23,060 --> 00:15:25,013 with her husband's philandering brains all over her dress 390 00:15:25,020 --> 00:15:28,070 and her head held high, looking stunning, 391 00:15:28,110 --> 00:15:31,900 even though they made her ride around in a convertible like an animal, I might add, 392 00:15:31,950 --> 00:15:33,950 you can go to the White House tomorrow 393 00:15:33,990 --> 00:15:35,990 and forget all about those 15 minutes 394 00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:38,790 where he couldn't even unzip the back of your dress. 395 00:15:38,830 --> 00:15:40,580 Wait a minute, what? How do you know that? 396 00:15:42,500 --> 00:15:44,120 It was in Mike's notes. 397 00:15:44,170 --> 00:15:45,580 Oh, right. 398 00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:50,590 Okay, fine, I'll go. 399 00:15:50,630 --> 00:15:53,300 Okay? But I am not gonna have a good time. 400 00:15:53,340 --> 00:15:57,390 And if one person mentions Tom James to me, 401 00:15:57,430 --> 00:15:59,600 I'm gonna go piss in that punch bowl. 402 00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:01,560 - This country doesn't deserve you. - I know it. 403 00:16:04,020 --> 00:16:06,690 Voting closes in five minutes and we're still missing votes. 404 00:16:06,730 --> 00:16:08,940 Well, well, well, sorry, boys, 405 00:16:08,980 --> 00:16:12,650 no votes today on legalizing tiny Fleshlights for micro wangs. 406 00:16:12,700 --> 00:16:14,200 Except for you, Gellardi. 407 00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:15,863 I'd wager it takes a whole roll of duct tape 408 00:16:15,870 --> 00:16:17,990 to strap down your hog of a cock. 409 00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:20,620 For your information, we're called the Jeffersons, probably, 410 00:16:20,660 --> 00:16:22,910 and we're here to shove some liberty up America's ass. 411 00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:24,920 If you'll excuse me, Roger, I'm gonna whip it out. 412 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:27,500 Madam Clerk, Representative Gellardi 413 00:16:27,590 --> 00:16:31,170 votes no on HR 2970. 414 00:16:31,220 --> 00:16:32,460 - Recorded. - Madam Clerk, 415 00:16:32,510 --> 00:16:36,340 Representative Clark votes no on HR 2970. 416 00:16:36,390 --> 00:16:38,260 This was a done deal! 417 00:16:38,310 --> 00:16:41,310 Now look what you did, you writhing, piss-filled skin Twizzler! 418 00:16:41,350 --> 00:16:43,520 You made Speaker Marwood run all the way down here! 419 00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:46,400 Now the clots in his legs are gonna rush to his brain. 420 00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:51,230 And maybe you were too busy biting James Bond's cable car wire to realize, 421 00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:53,070 but if we don't raise the debt ceiling, 422 00:16:53,110 --> 00:16:56,360 America's financial system is gonna go belly-up like what, Will? 423 00:16:56,410 --> 00:17:00,410 Like my labradoodle, Teddy, when I cover his cock in honey and give him a sticky licky. 424 00:17:00,450 --> 00:17:02,410 - No, bad! - Look at me. 425 00:17:02,460 --> 00:17:06,420 You could shut down the government. 426 00:17:06,460 --> 00:17:08,420 Well, maybe the government needs to be shut down 427 00:17:08,460 --> 00:17:10,000 - because it's broken. - Oh! 428 00:17:10,170 --> 00:17:12,000 And when something's broken, you shut it down, 429 00:17:12,050 --> 00:17:14,170 and then you turn it back on again like with a router. 430 00:17:14,220 --> 00:17:16,300 And if they didn't want me to shut down the government, 431 00:17:16,340 --> 00:17:18,970 then maybe they should've invited me to the Meyer unveiling! 432 00:17:19,010 --> 00:17:21,310 Do you even know what an unveiling ceremony is?! 433 00:17:21,350 --> 00:17:24,430 Look, whether I know what an unveiling is or is not 434 00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:25,480 is not the point. 435 00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:27,060 The point is principles. 436 00:17:27,100 --> 00:17:31,060 My God. Just call off your morons, Congressman. 437 00:17:31,110 --> 00:17:33,110 My morons are voting no. 438 00:17:36,910 --> 00:17:40,240 Madam Clerk, on HR 2970, 439 00:17:40,370 --> 00:17:43,200 Congressman Ryan votes no. 440 00:17:43,250 --> 00:17:45,410 Lights out! 441 00:17:45,460 --> 00:17:47,960 Lights out! Lights out! 442 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:51,170 Lights out! Lights out! Lights out! 443 00:17:51,210 --> 00:17:53,710 Oof, here we are. 444 00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:56,220 Look at this place. It is such a dump, isn't it? 445 00:17:56,260 --> 00:17:58,130 Although, I have to admit I sort of miss it. 446 00:17:58,180 --> 00:17:59,890 Aw, and it misses you, too. 447 00:17:59,930 --> 00:18:01,890 The one who got away. 448 00:18:01,930 --> 00:18:04,430 And now she's back for her big day! 449 00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:06,850 - Are you wearing makeup? - No. 450 00:18:06,940 --> 00:18:08,100 Yeah. 451 00:18:08,150 --> 00:18:09,940 Madam President! 452 00:18:09,980 --> 00:18:11,310 It is so lovely to see you again. 453 00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:13,520 - My daughter misses you. - Thank you... 454 00:18:13,570 --> 00:18:16,530 - I have no idea what these people's names are. - ...so much! 455 00:18:16,570 --> 00:18:19,200 I know one thing... she's the one who put my sweater in the dryer. 456 00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:20,910 - Yes! - Right. 457 00:18:20,950 --> 00:18:23,620 Madam President, we've sure missed you around here. 458 00:18:23,660 --> 00:18:25,370 - Oh, thank you... - Friend. 459 00:18:25,410 --> 00:18:26,910 ...friend. 460 00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:30,120 Where are you taking the Jackie crystal? 461 00:18:30,170 --> 00:18:32,170 - Such a shame. - What's happening right now? 462 00:18:32,210 --> 00:18:35,250 - What are those, chips? - Why is there Coke Zero behind us? 463 00:18:35,300 --> 00:18:37,003 Ma'am, your guests will arrive in a half hour. 464 00:18:37,010 --> 00:18:38,920 And they set up the Blue Room for your use. 465 00:18:38,970 --> 00:18:40,550 What is this Dixie cup shit show? 466 00:18:40,590 --> 00:18:43,470 It's like we teleported to post-Katrina Mississippi. 467 00:18:43,510 --> 00:18:45,470 - I know! - There's no tablecloths. 468 00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:48,270 Montez is really taking this Mexican thing too far. 469 00:18:48,310 --> 00:18:49,553 - Morning, ma'am. - Hey, what is this? 470 00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:50,980 Well, as of a few minutes ago, 471 00:18:51,020 --> 00:18:53,520 Jonah and his merry band of jizz huffers 472 00:18:53,570 --> 00:18:56,230 drove their short bus right into the debt ceiling vote 473 00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:58,030 and T-boned the entire US economy. 474 00:18:58,070 --> 00:19:00,030 Treasury Secretary Baird ordered 475 00:19:00,070 --> 00:19:01,403 - a full government shutdown. - Shutdown. 476 00:19:01,410 --> 00:19:03,620 All nonessential White House staff 477 00:19:03,660 --> 00:19:05,276 have been furloughed, starting immediately. 478 00:19:05,290 --> 00:19:06,660 - Okay. - Hey, Mom, everyone. 479 00:19:06,700 --> 00:19:09,290 - Did we miss it? - No, I'm afraid not. 480 00:19:09,330 --> 00:19:12,210 You know, there's not even a punch bowl for me to piss in here. 481 00:19:12,250 --> 00:19:14,460 Marjorie, Catherine, 482 00:19:14,500 --> 00:19:15,630 congratulations are in order. 483 00:19:15,670 --> 00:19:17,840 Oh, right! Thank you. 484 00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:19,170 We just hit the 12-week mark. 485 00:19:20,970 --> 00:19:22,130 It's a boy. 486 00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:31,140 - Congressman Furlong. - Brookheimer! 487 00:19:31,190 --> 00:19:33,520 Got your dong of a résumé. 488 00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:36,360 I know you'd chew your own arm off to escape being handcuffed 489 00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:39,820 to Meyers's overly toned corpse and her dungeon of losers, 490 00:19:39,860 --> 00:19:41,245 but I had to go in another direction. 491 00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:42,400 Tell her why, Will. 492 00:19:42,450 --> 00:19:44,110 You're stronger than me, 493 00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:46,580 and you have a higher reserve of dignity and self-worth. 494 00:19:46,620 --> 00:19:48,370 And I'm trapped in a cycle of abuse. 495 00:19:48,410 --> 00:19:49,950 Better luck next time. 496 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:51,250 Hey, Fuckleberry Finn! 497 00:19:51,290 --> 00:19:54,120 Christ, you got old. 498 00:19:54,170 --> 00:19:57,670 - You wanna work for that guy? - I really do. 499 00:19:57,710 --> 00:19:59,550 - Tom! Hi! - Madam President. 500 00:19:59,590 --> 00:20:01,420 What are you doing here? 501 00:20:01,470 --> 00:20:03,380 Can I have a private word with you? 502 00:20:03,430 --> 00:20:06,260 Would that be all right, or are you afraid that I'll rape you again? 503 00:20:06,310 --> 00:20:08,430 Well... 504 00:20:08,470 --> 00:20:10,553 - Well, sure, let... all right. - Come, come, come, yes, yes, yeah. 505 00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:12,810 Hi. Yeah, so good to see you, too. 506 00:20:14,610 --> 00:20:17,560 I can't believe that I gave you a goddamn blurb. 507 00:20:17,610 --> 00:20:19,570 - Why, Tom? Why did you do that? - Come on, Selina. 508 00:20:19,610 --> 00:20:22,440 For Christ's sake, we both know how the game is played. 509 00:20:22,490 --> 00:20:25,410 I came to you in good faith and I asked! 510 00:20:25,450 --> 00:20:27,490 - Well... - I did the classy thing. 511 00:20:27,530 --> 00:20:29,783 Come on, we both know you were gonna go ahead and do it anyway. 512 00:20:29,790 --> 00:20:33,710 Of course I was, but I had the courtesy to seem like I might not! 513 00:20:33,750 --> 00:20:36,330 And then with that TV appearance. 514 00:20:36,380 --> 00:20:38,540 Me the aggressor? What is that?! 515 00:20:38,590 --> 00:20:41,460 That is sick, sociopathic shit. 516 00:20:41,510 --> 00:20:43,760 I'm worried about you. I think you need help. 517 00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:45,800 - I need help? Oh, please! - Absolutely. 518 00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:48,550 You've got more issues than "National Geographic." 519 00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:50,970 What's going on here? I don't understand. 520 00:20:51,020 --> 00:20:53,680 - Did I do something to deserve this? - No, no! 521 00:20:53,770 --> 00:20:55,640 You did nothing. 522 00:20:55,690 --> 00:20:57,520 Wait a minute, what was that? 523 00:20:57,560 --> 00:21:00,900 Did I hurt your feelings because I, what... 524 00:21:00,940 --> 00:21:02,570 because I didn't call you afterwards? 525 00:21:02,610 --> 00:21:04,030 Oh, that is just so stupid. 526 00:21:04,070 --> 00:21:05,700 And I would've said the same thing to you 527 00:21:05,740 --> 00:21:07,240 a year ago if you had called me. 528 00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:10,950 Oh, ho, ho! So, you did want me to call. 529 00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:14,370 Oh, oh, poor Tommy. 530 00:21:14,420 --> 00:21:17,790 - He wanted me to call him afterwards. - Shut the fuck up! 531 00:21:25,130 --> 00:21:27,630 Sorry, I should not have raised my voice like that. 532 00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:32,010 Madam President, thank you for inviting us to your unveiling. 533 00:21:32,060 --> 00:21:33,770 My wife is a huge fan. 534 00:21:37,980 --> 00:21:41,110 Yeah, well, you know what, you can have your trophy wife 535 00:21:41,150 --> 00:21:44,480 and your trophy office and your trophy baby, 536 00:21:44,530 --> 00:21:47,570 who you won't even live to see go to college, 537 00:21:47,610 --> 00:21:51,530 but I still got to be president, and, tsk, you never will. 538 00:21:56,290 --> 00:21:58,830 Oh! I was looking for you. They're waiting for you to begin. 539 00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:02,670 I swear to God, Tom James just wanted to fuck me right now. 540 00:22:02,710 --> 00:22:04,630 - What?! - Yeah, we had a real moment. 541 00:22:04,670 --> 00:22:06,880 But he's too much of a pussy to go for my pussy. 542 00:22:06,930 --> 00:22:08,333 Okay, well, that's probably for the best. 543 00:22:08,340 --> 00:22:09,680 He's not gonna get away with that. 544 00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:11,140 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, ma'am! 545 00:22:11,180 --> 00:22:13,970 I'm back. What the hell was that? 546 00:22:14,060 --> 00:22:15,930 You really wanted me, didn't you? 547 00:22:15,980 --> 00:22:19,350 There were sparks practically flying out of your dick! 548 00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:21,190 Why am I getting this sense of déjà vu? 549 00:22:21,230 --> 00:22:22,643 No, no, no, I'm not talking about the Green Room. 550 00:22:22,650 --> 00:22:24,480 That was just a good, old-fashioned hate fuck. 551 00:22:24,530 --> 00:22:27,490 Selina, I do not and never have hated you! 552 00:22:27,530 --> 00:22:29,650 You got that right! You loved me. 553 00:22:29,700 --> 00:22:32,030 - Stop it! - You still love me now. 554 00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:33,870 - What?! - You do! Admit it. 555 00:22:33,910 --> 00:22:36,500 - Admit it. Admit it! - You are fucking crazy! 556 00:22:39,370 --> 00:22:42,670 Okay, right there, right there, what do you call that? 557 00:22:42,710 --> 00:22:44,420 - What was that? - That was... 558 00:22:44,460 --> 00:22:46,130 You want to throw me onto this couch 559 00:22:46,170 --> 00:22:49,720 and pin my legs behind my head and do me. 560 00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:52,043 - I am a happily married man, Selina. - Oh, that's not an answer! 561 00:22:52,050 --> 00:22:53,550 What the fuck is wrong with you?! 562 00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:55,140 What the fuck is wrong with you?! 563 00:22:57,980 --> 00:23:00,770 Okay, wha... this! 564 00:23:00,810 --> 00:23:02,118 What do you want me to say, Selina? 565 00:23:02,150 --> 00:23:04,560 What do you want me to say, Tom, huh? 566 00:23:04,610 --> 00:23:06,400 That back when I was in the Senate, 567 00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:09,530 the only reason that I co-sponsored S-473 568 00:23:09,570 --> 00:23:11,030 was because I had a crush on you? 569 00:23:11,070 --> 00:23:12,910 That when we were in Los Angeles 570 00:23:12,950 --> 00:23:15,370 and we walked out onto the stage to accept the nomination, 571 00:23:15,410 --> 00:23:18,120 and you grabbed my hand and you held it up high, and I was like, 572 00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:21,120 "Oh, my God, he's holding my hand." 573 00:23:21,170 --> 00:23:23,540 That when I was in the loony bin, 574 00:23:23,590 --> 00:23:25,670 - I thought about you endlessly, and I was... 575 00:23:25,710 --> 00:23:27,710 Tom? 576 00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:28,880 Sweetheart. 577 00:23:30,380 --> 00:23:31,880 This is my wife, Alethia. 578 00:23:31,930 --> 00:23:33,970 Alethia? 579 00:23:34,010 --> 00:23:36,430 Is that her name or is that the pill you take to fuck her? 580 00:23:36,470 --> 00:23:38,720 - Alethia! - So nice to meet you, President Meyer. 581 00:23:38,770 --> 00:23:40,640 - Oh, that's so nice of you. - I voted for you. 582 00:23:40,690 --> 00:23:42,480 Well, it didn't help. 583 00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:44,560 Okay, you know, I should head back 584 00:23:44,610 --> 00:23:47,860 and, uh, deal with the ceremony and so on. 585 00:23:47,900 --> 00:23:48,860 Yes, yes, yes. 586 00:23:48,900 --> 00:23:50,320 You love me. 587 00:23:50,360 --> 00:23:52,450 I...! 588 00:23:52,490 --> 00:23:54,030 Ladies and gentlemen, 589 00:23:54,070 --> 00:23:55,023 the President of the United States. 590 00:23:55,030 --> 00:23:57,450 Oh, wow, she looks awesome. 591 00:23:57,490 --> 00:24:00,160 I'd give my left tit for those tits. 592 00:24:00,210 --> 00:24:02,580 Hello. Buenas tardes. Good afternoon. 593 00:24:02,620 --> 00:24:04,790 There are so many things 594 00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:08,210 that I would like to say about the extraordinary woman 595 00:24:08,260 --> 00:24:11,550 - who was my predecessor here at the White House. - Here comes the love! 596 00:24:11,590 --> 00:24:13,930 - Shh, I know. Shh. - But unfortunately, 597 00:24:13,970 --> 00:24:17,550 I have to return to the Oval Office to deal with the shutdown. 598 00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:19,510 I know Selina Meyer, 599 00:24:19,560 --> 00:24:23,060 who has navigated many crises in her own term, 600 00:24:23,100 --> 00:24:24,600 will understand. 601 00:24:24,650 --> 00:24:26,230 - President Meyer. - Oh. 602 00:24:26,270 --> 00:24:27,230 Selina. 603 00:24:33,450 --> 00:24:37,320 Now, let's take a look at this beautiful piece of work. 604 00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:41,200 - Oh, my God. - It's beautiful. 605 00:24:41,250 --> 00:24:42,174 - Oh. - That's beautiful. 606 00:24:44,250 --> 00:24:46,540 Thank you very, very much. Thank you. 607 00:24:46,590 --> 00:24:49,790 Oh, goodness, I do wish you could've heard President Montez's speech 608 00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:53,880 because she's so well-spoken, don't you think? 609 00:24:53,930 --> 00:24:56,470 And this is very nice, folks. 610 00:24:56,510 --> 00:24:57,930 Very nice, indeed. 611 00:24:57,970 --> 00:24:59,010 You know, um... 612 00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:02,100 I look around this room 613 00:25:02,140 --> 00:25:04,430 and I see so many portraits 614 00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:07,310 of... of so many of our great presidents, 615 00:25:07,360 --> 00:25:11,980 and I am reminded of their many accomplishments 616 00:25:12,070 --> 00:25:13,530 and shining moments. 617 00:25:13,570 --> 00:25:16,280 But I also like to think 618 00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:20,280 perhaps about their not-so-shining moments. 619 00:25:20,330 --> 00:25:22,580 And that, um... 620 00:25:25,250 --> 00:25:26,750 well, maybe none of it matters. 621 00:25:26,790 --> 00:25:31,840 You know, because maybe in a hundred years, 622 00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:34,710 all that anyone will remember 623 00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:37,840 is that you have your portrait 624 00:25:37,890 --> 00:25:40,390 hanging on a wall in the White House. 625 00:25:40,430 --> 00:25:45,390 So, out of respect for the furlough, 626 00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:47,480 um, I think we should wrap things up. 627 00:25:47,520 --> 00:25:49,020 So, thank you so much. 628 00:25:49,060 --> 00:25:50,770 What a... what a wonderful thing. 629 00:25:50,820 --> 00:25:52,190 Thank you. 630 00:25:54,110 --> 00:25:55,820 That was a great speech. 631 00:25:55,860 --> 00:25:58,320 Yeah, that cow put the chair in the painting. 632 00:25:58,370 --> 00:26:01,370 - What chair? - The fucking chair in that painting 633 00:26:01,410 --> 00:26:03,910 is the chair that she made love to Andrew on. 634 00:26:03,950 --> 00:26:06,660 - I slept in that chair. - And look at my neck. 635 00:26:06,710 --> 00:26:08,960 I... no, in the painting! 636 00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:13,090 Look at my neck. I have pardoned turkeys with fewer waddles. 637 00:26:13,130 --> 00:26:15,300 My neck does not look like that. 638 00:26:15,340 --> 00:26:16,720 No, it doesn't. 639 00:26:16,760 --> 00:26:18,380 - Madam President. - Oh, yes! 640 00:26:18,430 --> 00:26:19,930 - I'm sorry. - This is John Corbin. 641 00:26:19,970 --> 00:26:21,590 - He's Montez's me. - Great. 642 00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:23,810 Not exactly. I have a law degree 643 00:26:23,850 --> 00:26:25,560 and served two tours in Afghanistan. 644 00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:27,270 Oh, congrats. 645 00:26:27,310 --> 00:26:28,973 I'm afraid we're gonna have to start clearing the room 646 00:26:28,980 --> 00:26:31,650 so we can furlough the rest of the staff in a timely manner. 647 00:26:31,690 --> 00:26:34,020 Well, that makes solid sense. We'll get out of your hair. 648 00:26:34,150 --> 00:26:36,110 Thank you so much. Hello! 649 00:26:36,150 --> 00:26:37,940 - This goes inside your jacket. - Oh. 650 00:26:37,990 --> 00:26:40,110 Ma'am, the painting is stunning. 651 00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:42,613 Well, thank you, Marjorie, but you're not exactly known for your good taste. 652 00:26:42,620 --> 00:26:44,660 You know what, this is your fault. 653 00:26:44,700 --> 00:26:47,910 - No! - Yes! I should not have come to this thing. 654 00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:50,170 Jesus Christ, underage Muslim brides 655 00:26:50,210 --> 00:26:52,210 - are less traumatized at their unveiling. Shh. 656 00:26:52,250 --> 00:26:54,670 And even they don't have to drink Coke Zero. 657 00:26:54,710 --> 00:26:58,840 - At least Jonah wasn't here. - Hey, that's positive, see? 658 00:26:58,880 --> 00:27:01,590 A lot of people are saying that I shut down the government. 659 00:27:01,640 --> 00:27:03,550 You're damn right, I did! 660 00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:06,970 I shut down the government for wasting our money. 661 00:27:07,020 --> 00:27:10,850 I shut down the government for interfering with our clocks and watches. 662 00:27:10,900 --> 00:27:14,940 I shut down the post office because everybody just uses email anyway. 663 00:27:14,980 --> 00:27:18,400 I shut down NPR because they're a total snoozefest, 664 00:27:18,450 --> 00:27:20,780 and they said this shutdown was a bad idea. 665 00:27:20,820 --> 00:27:22,910 I shut down the national parks 666 00:27:22,950 --> 00:27:26,120 so that your parents will have to take you someplace cool on vacation, 667 00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:29,370 like Disney World or Cancun or Mexico. 668 00:27:29,410 --> 00:27:30,580 - Okay. - Okay, okay. 669 00:27:30,620 --> 00:27:31,870 Are there any questions? 670 00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:33,623 The congressman will not be taking any questions. 671 00:27:33,630 --> 00:27:35,630 The congressman will not be taking any questions. 672 00:27:35,670 --> 00:27:37,460 - Thank you. - Provocative stuff there 673 00:27:37,510 --> 00:27:39,590 from the bad boy of Washington, Jonah Ryan. 674 00:27:39,630 --> 00:27:42,050 Wall Street, meanwhile, has reacted to the shutdown 675 00:27:42,220 --> 00:27:45,600 with what analysts are urging us not to label a panic. 676 00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:48,560 Also, are we doing our laundry all wrong? 677 00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:51,020 Japanese efficiency experts say no. 678 00:27:51,060 --> 00:27:54,100 Plus, our own Buzzy Kanahale's gonna be reporting the weather 679 00:27:54,150 --> 00:27:56,860 from the place that matters the most... the beach. 680 00:27:56,900 --> 00:27:59,070 - Oof, wish I could join him there. - Oh. 681 00:27:59,110 --> 00:28:00,570 Not me. 682 00:28:00,610 --> 00:28:02,860 I'm not down to my bathing suit weight yet, so. 683 00:28:02,910 --> 00:28:05,113 Oh, please, Brie, I bet you could fill out a bikini quite nicely. 684 00:28:05,120 --> 00:28:08,620 Oh, Dan. 685 00:28:08,660 --> 00:28:10,870 - Blech! - Well, that's all the time we have for today. 686 00:28:10,910 --> 00:28:12,750 - I'm Dan Egan. - Bring back Jane! 687 00:28:12,790 --> 00:28:15,420 - And I'm Brie Ramachandran. - Remember, 688 00:28:15,460 --> 00:28:16,670 every day starts with morning. 689 00:28:16,710 --> 00:28:18,500 - You suck! - Bye, now.